Another hit from Slowly the Ghost Records:

The Worst of pltoktijtuhtygt
Volume 1

Frank Moore says:
"any artist who thinks she can match the "worst" of dr. rectangle and plate, should lower her expectations!"

Mastered from the year 1999 radio show tapes of
July 17 & 24 . August 21 . September 12 . October 2, 9 & 16 . November 21
Hear what new material Plate & Dr. Rectangle are churning out LIVE on their radio show.

Stay tuned for Volume 209835!

1. Song You Gotta Sing To 10/16
2. The Great Big Internet 9/12
3. Escalator 7/17
4. Poop on the Saddle 11/21
5. Tropical Print Shirt 7/24
6. God and Jesus in My Heart 10/16
7. Subliminal Message 7/24
8. The Army 7/24
9. Nobody Knows 10/2
10. Honolulu Police Dept. 7/2
11. About Love 7/24
12. DNA on TV 7/24
13. Third Arm 7/17
14. Straight Up Pigs 8/21
15. The Lost House 9/12
16. All That Matters 11/21
17. Gamblin' 10/2
18. Let's Ask the Buck Bros. 10/9
19. Die Hard XVII 7/24
20. Not a Guitar 10/16
21. Pine Needle Tea 7/17
22. O Holy God Man 7/24
23. States 10/9
24. Cindy 7/17
25. And 7/24
26. It Makes Me Want You 10/2
27. A Friend in Corduroy 7/17
28. Red Scare 11/21
29. Wonderfulness 8/21
30. Polka with a Sausage 9/12
31. Bots 10/9
32. Chickie 7/24
33. A Sweet Song 10/9
34. A/S/L 11/21 FOLLOW THIS LINK TO ACCESS THE AUDIO FILE BELOW
35. Hair in My Mouth 7/17
36. Down the Street 9/12
37. Matches 7/17
38. Grampa 8/21
39. Postage 10/16
40. Atomic Stuff 11/21
41. Bed 7/24
42. Egg Carpet Commercial 7/24
43. Fruitcake 10/16
44. What It's Made Of 11/21


1. Song You Gotta Sing To 10/16

This is a song you gotta sing to
Gotta sing to it badly
This is a song you gotta sing to
Ya gotta sing to it badly
This is a song you gotta sing to
In a redundant repetitive way
This is a song you gotta sing to
In a really bad way
Hey, y'know what,
This song would be really good
If you weren't singing!

This is a song you gotta sing to
Ya gotta sing to this song
This is a song you gotta sing to
In a way that's really wro-ong
Hey, y'know what?
My mom can sing better than you,
And she's dead!

This is a song you gotta sing to
Ya gotta sing to this song
In a really bad way
This is a song you gotta sing to
Uh and stuff
Yeah
La la, la


2. The Great Big Internet
9/12

Hey baby
What's your sign?
I heard I could pick up hot chicks in the chatroom
Uh, what's your age and sex?
Well, honey, I don't know if I should tell you yet
Lemme think here
Well, I think I'm lawyer; does that impress you, baby?
Uh, where is your location?
Well, uh, how about if I, uh, did the computer programmer thing
Uh, you think that, you think that would, uh, would that impress you? Uh, hmm?
Uh, how are you?

Uh, hey baby
What's your sign?
What's your age, and uh, your sex?
Uh, baby, you're turning me on; uh, you must be really hot
Uh, what's your, uh, where ya live?
Uh, I'm the president of a corporation in Detroit.
Uh, what's your sex?
Uh, uh, I gotta go. Bye bye. See you later on the great big Internet.
Uh, yeah, right.
Wait, before you leave: What's your sex?


3. Escalator 7/17

I like to ride the escalator up and down
I like to ride the escalator up and down and up and down
I make the mall cops angry
I make them really mad
I like to ride the escalator up and down
I like to go down the up one
I like to go down the up one
I like to go up the down one
And I can go on the escalators


4. Poop on the Saddle 11/21

Well there was poop on the saddle
There was pee on the ground
There was poop on the saddle
There was pee all around
There was dirt in my ear
And puke in my brain
There was poop on the saddle
I'll never be clean again
Well there's poop on the saddle
There was pee on the ground
There was poop on the saddle
There was pee all around
There was vomit in the staircase
There was
See, that's what you get for not planning what you're saying during the whole big ol' pause right there and stuff, you stupid hick
Well gawlee!
You stupid hick, why weren't ya thinking? Why weren't you thinking about something to sing right there, man? There was this big pause where they were just playing guitar!
Well I ain't, no—I don't—
Shut up! Just get out of here, you stupid hick! You gotta, just git, as they say wherever you come from, dude! Just go! Just get out of here, okay?! You suck! You're dumb!
Well I—
No! Just—please! I mean, if you're gonna be singing a hick song, you gotta think while they're playing guitar and you're not singing. You're supposed to think of the next verse! I mean, get with it, man!
Well I doh whuh—
Hey, hey. Hey, you had your chance to be on LUVeR, and you blew it, man. Just go milk some cows or something.
Well alright—pshaw.


5. Tropical Print Shirt 7/24

Hey Hawaii Five-O's on
Inspire me with your criminal courts
Your District of Honolulu
Inspire me with a dark doorway
And the two cops and the man wearing the brown suit
Get into the cop car
Smokey, uh-oh
Who's setting fireworks off here in Honolulu Hawaii?!
Think you're so sneaky with your smoke bombs
Running around in the alleys with your snorkels
Yes, on tonight's episode of Hawaii Five-O
People are running around with snorkels and the one-piece goggles
And the cops are toting rifles tonight
With silencers
And really nice watches
With the gold dial
And the hairy man gets out of the car
He thinks he's somethin', doesn't he?
Yes, tonight on Hawaii Five-O
They're cutting off the shackles with the sharp tools
And the man in the light blue suit has the glasses
He doesn't have a sunburn
He's not wearing the tropical print shirt
He's arguing with the man
Yes, on tonight's episode of Hawaii Five-O
Oh, he got shot—what a baddy he was
Serves him right, wearing that print in Hawaii
He's dead


6. God and Jesus in My Heart 10/16

I got a little song about God in my heart
I got a song about God in my heart
God and Jesus in my heart
They could be in your heart too
Gotta little song for you
The song about God and Jesus in my heart
Song about God and Jesus in my left ventricle
God and Jesus are gonna start a circus
And the trapeze artists are gonna do their tricks with the Sheep
'Cause I gotta song about God and Jesus in my heart
I'm gonna share it with you


7. Subliminal Message 7/24

Wow that was weird
There was a subliminal message on TV
In the middle of Hawaii Five-O
It told me to put salt and pepper in my food
It told me about this week's weather
It gave me a five-day forecast
It said it's gonna rain on Tuesday
It said that the next show is gonna be a feature film
It said that Jupiter and Saturn are going to be the first things you see at night for the next month


8. The Army 7/24

Don't look into the black light
You'll get a cataract
Don't look into my ear
You might find something you fear
Don't look into the black light
This is not a rave
Don't look into my eyes
Don't look!
The grown men are playing on the jungle gym in the Army
Grown men are playing on the jungle gym in the Army
They don't have clipboards there
Don't look into the black light
You'll get a cataract


9. Nobody Knows 10/2

(unintelligible)
Nobody knows (unintelligible)
Nobody knows (unintelligible)
Woo woo woo
Thank you audience
Goddamn audience


10. Honolulu Police Dept. 7/24

I've never seen Hawaii Five-O before
I've never seen Hawaii Five-O befo-ore
The Honolulu Police Department is much like our own
They don't wear leis while on duty
They too like donuts


11. About Love 7/24

Let's sing a song about lo-ove
Let's sing about LOVE!!


12. DNA on TV 7/24

They've got DNA samples on television
With YOUR NAME ON IT,
BILLYBOB!!
Billybob, they've got your DNA
They've got it on TV
Billybob, ya know, ya shouldn'ta married me!
Your mom's dad's my cousin
And my friend's Sam
You—
Hey, Billybob


13. Third Arm 7/17

When I grew my third arm it was a good day
When I lost my second arm it wasn't bad
When I grew a third arm I was happy
When I was a lad
When I had a third arm I played guitar well
I also played the drum and the tambourine
I played the cymbal with my nose
I played the triangle with my ear
Then one day I bought a—
Then I—ah-uh-ah-uh . . .


14. Straight Up Pigs 8/21

I lost all my pigs
Which way did they go?
I had a nice fat sow
Now I have to find my hoe


15. The Lost House 9/12

Where's my house?
I lost my house
Where's my house?
Where are you hiding it?
Must I enlist the services of Nancy Drew
To find my house?
Oh woe is me
Where's my house?


16. All That Matters 11/21

Sailing on that river
And the river's made of pee
And you look at the riverbank
And see
The banks are made
Of fecal matter
Such a beautiful song for something that's so gross
Poop and pee
Inundate my life
Poop and pee
Husband and wife
Salt and pepper
The poop and pee
Poop and pee, you know what you mean to me
On that river of life that's made of pee
When you look at those banks of the river and you see
Fecal matter is all that matters to me
Fecal matter, poop and pee
Poop and pee


17. Gamblin' 10/2

Hey pa, let's go to the casino
Wahl, awlright, Annie
Hey pa, let's play this funny machine
Well, I'll, uh, I'll have to find a nickel
Oh my! I found a dime!
Well I'll be!


18. Let's Ask the Buck Bros. 10/9

Is it a bad thing to have the magnetized screwdriver
By the computer?
Let's ask the Buck Brothers
4-in-1, Made In the USA
Is it a bad thing to have the magnetized screwdriver
By my foot?
Let's ask the Buck Brothers
4-in-1, Made In the USA
Is it a bad thing to have the screwdriver
By my head?
Let's ask the Buck Brothers, shall we?
4-in-1, Made In the USA
Oh, the Buck Brothers might say no
The Buck Brothers might say yes
The Buck Brothers might say maybe
Depends


19. Die Hard XVII 7/24

Oh, this is like action movie stuff
*explosion*
We gotta get outta here!!!
No, not that way!!
Come on! I can't leave you behind!!
Oh, but you have to!
No!!! I won't do it, Sandra!!
Please, Tim!
No, I can't leave you in this building! Come on!!
Ohhh!!


20. Not a Guitar 10/16

I gotta secret for you, Plate
Your guitar reminds me of something that's not a guitar,
Plate, I got something to tell you
A little secret
About what I think your guitar reminds me of
And it's not a guitar
No it's not a guitar
That your guitar reminds me of
It's something other than a guitar
That's right, Plate
Your guitar reminds me of something that's not a guitar
And I'm pretty sure you don't know what I'm thinking of right now
When I tell you what your guitar reminds me of, you're going to be so surprised
And you'll say, "AH!"
'Cause Plate, your guitar reminds me of something that's not a guitar
You don't understand
Maybe I won't tell you after all
Maybe it's enough that you just know that I am reminded of something that's not a guitar by your guitar
Maybe it just doesn't matter
Maybe you don't care
Maybe I don't care either
Maybe it doesn't matter
Maybe I'm just dumb
Yeah I think that's what it is
Nevermind, just forget I ever said anything
Nevermind
Nevermind, just end this song
*sobbing*


21. Pine Needle Tea 7/17

I always wondered
If I could make a tea
A cup of tea out of pine needles
If I added hot water to some pine needles,
Could I have a cup of tea?
Would I have to add sugar?
I don't think I would
'Cause the sap from the tree
Would make it sweet for me
My cup of tea
Made of pine needles
And I'd be famous in the cooking encyclopedias
As inventor of pine needle tea
It was invented just by me
I'd share with my friends
If I had any
My pine needle tea
With the sappy syrupy
In my cup of tea


22. O Holy God Man 7/24

Dear God Jesus Christ man, will you be my friend?
I have a rock band
We're a Christian rock band
And Jesus Christ man
O Holy God man
I wanna see The Other Side
'Cause bad things happen to me even though I'm a Christian
So Jesus man, will you be my friend?
I promise I won't get another tattoo
I promise I'll get a haircut
'Cause I was reading The Bible yesterday
And there was a selection in which the word of God said
That men having long hair is dishonorable
So Jesus Christ Man and God, will you be my friend?
'Cause I have a Christian rock band
I wanna see The Other Side
I don't want to go to Hell
I promise I won't pierce anything more
I promise I won't spit on the camera


23. States 10/9

It's way fun imposing states upon people
Plate, are you from ILLINOIS?
Nope, I'm from Brazil
Dr. Rectangle, are you from IDAHO?
Well-uh, no, I'm from Ireland


24. Cindy 7/17

Cindy likes to eat shortcakes
She'd eat 'em really tall
If you get lots of shortcakes together
They are really tall
Cindy likes the shortcakes
She puts 'em in her bib overalls—yeah
Cindy likes the shortcakes
She likes 'em with the butter
Cindy likes the shortcakes
She wouldn't like any other
Cindy likes the shortcakes
She likes 'em really tall
A tall, tall pile of shortcakes


25. And 7/24

(unintelligible)
And I don't know how to talk
(unintelligible)
And I don't know how to talk
Nor sing
God dammit
(unintelligible)
And also, you know, the, uh
(unintelligible)
I don't know how to talk
I don't know how to sing
I don't why I'm a DJ at all
Help me
(unintelligible)
Well you know what I mean
I don't know how to talk


26. It Makes Me Want You 10/2

That was carnivale!
Oh this song, it makes me want you
By the oceanside, baby
Where the white sand is
And seagulls play
Now it's time for the refrain:
Baby
This song
Makes me want you
By the waves
And trees with the palm fronds
And the dolphins are playing in little grass skirts
And the oysters
Are wearing leis
Of pretty flowers
This song
It makes me want you
In an ocean paradise like this
Let's do the forbidden dance with the roasted pig
On the trapeze in the carnivale


27. A Friend in Corduroy 7/17

And corduroy is great fabric
Corduroy is grand and nice
My friends all tell me corduroy's stupid
I'm 36 but that's alright
Corduroy is cool with me
And I'm cool with corduroy
Yeah, royboy and I get along just fine without dem
Corduroy


28. Red Scare 11/21

Hey, Plate, was I singing something that would insult Girl15?
Like something that was dirty? Was I singing about dirty stuff?
I'm trying to remember what I was singing about
I was singing about finding a piano
I don't see what's dirty about that
I was singing about taking violin strings and strangling people
I don't see what's wrong with that
And taking people's heads and putting them in tubas
I don't see what's wrong with that
Do you see what's wrong with that?
I'm being censored! My God!
How linear can I be?
I'm living in the Red Scare!
This song's about history and it's educational for fifteen-year-olds
Back in the 20's in the 20th century
We had a Red Scare
We were so afraid of the Russians
We were afraid of things like Communism
We opposed things like
Weird propaganda
And strange censorship
And weird lists
They were called black lists
You might have a quiz over it
Later on in your career
Maybe when you're a junior in high school
I wanna make that clear
'Cause baby we're looking out for you
We're looking out for your education
We want fifteen-year-olds to know what to expect from school
We know you go to school sometimes
So, Girl15, take our advice, study hard and don't do drugs


29. Wonderfulness 8/21

Ah, let the wonderfulness begin . . .
Isn't this wonderful?
Here by the twinkling stream and the twinkling clouds?
NO
Oh, honey, don't you love the flowers?
Aren't they beautiful this time of the year?
NOO
Honey, when the stars come out,
We can find a constellation
And maybe we can name a star together
Wouldn't that be wonderful?
NOOO


30. Polka with a Sausage 9/12

Polka with a sausage
Polka with your sausage
It's good to be Polish tonight
Polka with your sausage
Wear flowers in your hair
Polka with a sausage
Kielbasa!
Polka with sauerkraut
Put sauerkraut on your knees
Put sauerkraut in your hair
Polka with a sausage
Kielbasa
If you're Polish like me,
You will polka with a sausage


31. Bots 10/9

Dr. Bot's gonna sing a song
Gonna make you feel at home
In the LUVeR chatroom
Where all the little bitty bots are
They whisper their macros to you
And deep down you know they aren't human
All the bitty bots know
And you know too
They aren't real and neither am I


32. Chickie 7/24

Once I had some eggs and I tried to make baby chickens come out of the eggs by putting a blanket over the top of a lamp and putting the egg there
For days
And the egg did not hatch
And I had no baby chickie
I was in third grade, maybe fourth
I had no baby chickie
This song's for that chickie
CHICKIE!
Why didn't you come out of the egg?
I tried to make you all incubated and stuff
I was in fourth grade
CHICKIE!
AHHH!!
I wanted you to be mine
You shoulda hatched outta the egg
That my mom got at the grocery store
You were the last one in the dozen
Chickie!
Why didn't you hatch outta the egg?
I kept you warm by the lamplight
I still don't understand
I was in fourth grade


33. A Sweet Song 10/9

It's time to sing a sweet song
For the one you like
It's time to sing a sweet song
For the one who, you, might, with whom you might, you might share your red bike
That's right
It's time for a sweet song for the one that you like
It's time for a sweet song
For with whom you might, you could, you might you could you could share your red bike
With the little horn and the streamers on the handles
And the training wheels just got off but they're not dirty
Zoooooooooommm


34.
A/S/L 11/21

Hey baby yer cute
I know it and I don't know your A/S/L
I just can tell
Without your A/S/L
Hey baby I know you're cute
Even though you haven't even told me your A/S/L
What the hell!
I can just tell
Even without your A/S/L
I saw you in that chatroom . . .
Oh baby what's your A/S/L?
Welcome back . . .
WHAT'S YOUR A/S/L?
Well, I'll tell you . . . in e-mail . . .


35. Hair in My Mouth 7/17

Huh-hooh-huh!
I gotta hair in my mouth
Gotta get it out
Yechhghk


36. Down the Street 9/12

Ohhh
Here come the Poopy Pants Brothers
They're walking down the street with Hump Girl again
Here come the Poopy Pants Brothers
They're walking down the street with the Hump Girl
Here come the Poopy Pants Brothers
We can hear them—squishsquishsquiiish
They're walking down the street with Hump Girl again


37. Matches 7/17

I'm lost at sea
Where's the land?
I'm lost at sea
Where's my hand?
I think I'm blind
I cannot see
I'm lost at sea
Where is the land?
If I found a match,
I'd uhhh
Put some smoke signals in the air
But I can't see
I can't see
I'm lost at sea
Where's my hand?
Where's the land?
Where's a match?


38. Grampa 8/21

Rock-n-roll is here to stay
Grampa, why don't you put your dentures back in?
(more unintelligible)
Grampa, maybe you should go to bed like me
(even more unintelligible)
Grampa . . . Grampa!?
(even more unintelligible)
Grampa
(even more unintelligible)
Grampa, maybe you should, uh, go to bed?
(totally unintelligible)
Mommy, what's wrong with Grampa?


39. Postage 10/16

Hey, I got something to tell you
Hey, there's something you gotta know
If you want to buy some moustache wax,
You have to pay nine dollars postage
Even though the moustache wax is only three dollars
I tried to buy my honey some moustache wax
It was only three dollars online
But then when the postage came up on the screen I realized that I'd been had
Nine dollars postage for moustache wax—
That's three times the amount of money that I would've paid if I'd just gone to a store.
Nine dollars postage is insane for a three-dollar item


40. Atomic Stuff 11/21

Poop and pee scat
I think that last song is gonna get a Gold Record
But not gold like wheat or anything
I mean like goooold, golllld!
Like a beautiful medallion made out of frozen pee!
'Cause you know who put the urine in uranium
You know who put the urine in the uranium
Why would governments fight over uranium?
Why is it so valuable?
It can't just be that you can do atomic stuff with it
There must be a secret ingredient!
Who put the urine in the uranium?
Was it the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus?
Who put the urine in uranium?
Who put the urine in that thing there?
Talk to George Bush about it
He knows who put the urine in uranium!
You could ask Gorbachev
You might consult the Pope
Who put the urine in uranium?
Who put the urine there?
Who put the urine in uranium?
In that power plant
Why did they put that power plant on the San Andreas Fault like that?


41. Bed 7/24

Late at night with my Craftmatic Adjustable Bed
It costs up to 56% less
They got five kinds
Late at night with my Craftmatic Adjustable Bed
I can order their thing
Free by mail


42. Egg Carpet Commercial 7/24

I dropped an egg on the carpet
And I was on TV at the time
It was embarrassing
I dropped an egg on the carpet
Luckily, it was in a carpet commercial
Stain . . . S . . . the kind you can't stain
So they paid me
Thirty-six dollars for the day
And they said I could keep the egg
So I scooped it up and I brought it home and I
Cooked it
And the helicopters they went by
High up in the sky
People were driving crazy on TV again
They shot off his hubcaps
The silver-haired old man in the backseat, he looked a little irritated
When I dropped that egg on the floor


43. Fruitcake 10/16

Hooh-hooh-hooh let's start to rock—sorry
I am not!
I sing different songs every night
You're a fruitcake if you think I sing the same song twice
You're a fruitcake with nuts on a plate that's yellow
You're a fruitcake with nuts on a plate that's yellow and green
Don't try to tell me my songs are all the same
'Cause if you tell me that, I'll call you a bad name
I'll call you a fruitcake with nuts on a yellow plate
I'll call you a fruitcake with nuts on a yellow and green plate
I'll call you a fruitcake with nuts with mold too on a plate that's green and yellow
So shut up
Don't say things that aren't true about my songs—they're all different
What do you know?
You just a fruitcake with nuts and mold on a green and yellow plate with red icing
And frog legs on the top and whipped cream and pickles and peanuts in the middle
You stupid fruitcake with nuts and mold
Don't tell me that my songs are all the same
Or I'll kick you in the bundt
'Cause you're a fruitcake


44. What It's Made Of 11/21

But really, how dare Plate think that I was done singing about poop and pee?
I mean, the nerve!
I'm gonna go to St. Louis
Gonna see that arch in St. Louis
Gonna see that arch in St. Louis
Betcha don't know what it's made of!
Yeah, poop and pee
Gonna see Mount Rushmore
Gonna see Mount Rushmore in South Dakota
Gonna go and visit Mount Rushmore
And you don't have any idea
You know you don't know what it's made of
What'd they carve that thing out of?
That's right, poop and pee
Gonna go to New York
Gonna kiss the Statue of Liberty
Gonna make my best friend think I'm gay with some poop and pee
From the Statue of Liberty's crown as I play with her hair
And I put my hand on her dress
Poop and pee
You don't know what the Statue of Liberty knows about that poop and pee
Gonna go
Gonna . . . go . . .
Gonna go . . .
Where the poop and pee is!
Poop—