Yet another chart-topper from Slowly the Ghost Records:

The Mediocre-est of pltoktijtuhtygt
Volume 1

Mastered from the radio show tapes of
November 28, 1999 . December 19, 1999 . January 2, 9, & 26, 2000 . February 2, 22, & 27, 2000 . March 7 & 14, 2000
Hear what new material Plate & Dr. Rectangle are churning out LIVE on their radio show.

Stay tuned for Volume 3473289!

1. How Can I Sing 1/26
2. Let's Switch Genders 3/14
3. Rutherford B. Hayes 3/7 FOLLOW THIS LINK TO ACCESS THE AUDIO FILE BELOW
4. Make Potholders Every Tuesday 1/26
5. No Tutu 3/7
6. Poop Western 2/27
7. Gluing Construction Paper to My Face 12/19
8. Haidas 3/14
9. Mr. Mind 2/2
10. Doo Doo Doo 2/27
11. Hick with a Cast 1/2
12. My Name 2/27
13. Warren G. Harding 3/7
14. When I Breathe 12/19
15. Bus is Broken Down 3/7
16. Corn 1/26
17. Broadcasting Man 2/2
18. Spooky Safeway 3/14
19. Mouse Puberty 1/26
20. William Howard Taft 3/7
21. Bedroom/Barn of Barf 1/26 FOLLOW THIS LINK TO ACCESS THE AUDIO FILE BELOW
22. Overly SentiMENTAL 3/7
23. Gonna Sneeze on You 1/26
24. Me & Arnold Schwarzenegger 3/7
25. Drippin' Droppin' Pee 11/28
26. Malaysia 1/9
27. Jus Makun Funn/.22 3/7
28. Sunset Skirt 2/2
29. Religion 12/19
30. Ball 2/22


1. How Can I Sing 1/26

Do I know this song?
Am I s'posed to sing to a song like this?
I don't know if I can
Am I s'posed to sing to a song like this?
How can I sing to a song like this when all the barnyard animals are sleeping?
I have a cow named Bossy
I have a pig named Sadie
Rooster's name is Henry George
There's an old mule, her named Nanny
How can I sing to a song like this when I know those animals are sleepin'?
I should be sleepin' with the barnyard animals now
In the soft hay, prickin' at my ears
How can I sing to this?
I'm worried about my barnyard animals
Everyone knows that hicks should be sleepin' with the barnyard animals
Not singing to a gee-tar song like this
And I aint not no never not never n' never not never not been a hick
So that's what I'm gonna do now
I'm gonna go sleep with the barnyard animals
You jus' gotta stop with that fancy gee-tar playin' 'cause I can't sing to that


2. Let's Switch Genders
3/14

Come on everybody let's switch genders
You can be a girl even though you are a guy
And since I'm a girl in real life, I can be a man
Come on everyone, let's switch genders tonight
You can wear a dress instead of blue pants
And I can wear the pants in this family, bring home the bacon
And you'll cook it
You'll wear that frilly apron


3. Rutherford B. Hayes 3/7

If Rutherford B. Hayes shaved off his beard and became a really cool pop star
If Rutherford B. Hayes started drinking Ovaltine and eating carrots
And wearing long johns on the outside of his clothes
If Rutherford B. Hayes started skiing at Steamboat
If Rutherford B. Hayes started steamboating where you should be skiing...?
If Rutherford B. Hayes wore a really floppy hat from the 60's
With psychedelic stuff going on and wore the beads and the coat
If Rutherford B. Hayes worked in Safeway as a bagboy
If he shaved his beard, you'd never recognize him
Rutherford B. Hayes!
If he shaved his beard, you'd never ever know
Hey it's Rutherford B. Hayes!
If he shaved his beard, he'd just be the guy on the street
Hey, that is Rutherford B. Hayes!
I thought he was dead!
Didn't recognize him without the beard
Rutherford B. Hayes, you look really weird without your beard


4. Make Potholders Every Tuesday Night 1/26

Everyone can make potholders on Tuesday night
Everyone should make potholders every Tuesday night, yeeeah
'Cause if you're like me, you feel creative on Tuesday night
You gotta make potholders
Colorful ones outta the stretchy loop stuff that you put on the weird little plastic peggy strange loom thing
You gotta make potholders on Tuesday night
Don't resist it; just give in
'Cause you gotta, you know you gotta, make potholders on Tuesday night
That's what Tuesday nights are for
Come on, you're an American
You gotta make potholders every Tuesday night
It's just one night a week
It's not gonna hurt you or anything
I mean, I mean I'll tell what hurts:
If you don't have a potholder and you grab a pot without a potholder, zow
So as I was saying it's just one night a week; it's not gonna hurtcha
You gotta make potholders every Tuesday night for the rest of your life
Even over vacation


5. No Tutu 3/7

Hey I got no tutu on
Don't call me a ballerina
Hey I got no tutu on
Don't call me a dancer
I got no tutu on, I got no tutu on, I got no tutu
Don't call me a ballet major
I'm majoring in economics
I got no tutu on
Got no tutu, no


6. Poop Western 2/27

There used to be a mining town in South Dakota
Now it's a gambling town, but anyway
And there in that there town there lived a guy and his name was POOOOOOOP
One day he walked into a local saloon and he said, "I want a glass of POOOOOOOP."
Bartender turned to him and said, "We aint got nuthun but pee here, dontcha know!"
Wahhhl, ol' Poop turned and he, uh, spit into the spittoon...


7. Gluing Construction Paper to My Face 12/19

Stop gluing construction paper to my face
Why?
Because it hurts when I have to take it off
But I like to glue stuff to your face
At the least, you should glue a good color of construction paper to my face
I like to glue construction paper to your face
I think you should lay off the orange construction paper
What color would you like glued to your face?
Baby, you know I want the green construction paper glued to my face right now!
Okay, hold on
Oh my lord, no, I didn't mean it! Noooo!!
It didn't stick


8. Haidas 3/14

Come on, I know you can speak Haidas
You're one of two people living today who can speak Haidas
The good ol' language that they speak up there in Newfoundland
And other places with igloos and hot chocolate without marshmallows
I know you can speak Haidas
The ancient language of igloo-dwelling people
People who have permanently blue lips
People with pale skin
Never see the sun
'Cept for once a year, for the whole year
I know you can speak Haidas, the language of love
Eskimo love
Eskimo love is really quite frigid
They wiggle their noses at each other; that's how they kiss


9. Mr. Mind 2/2

Mr. Mind, are you listening tonight?
I know you got a spiral for brain
I've seen it
I was in a fishing boat with a clear bottom
And I looked down and there was Mr. Mind's brain
I was on his wavelength, I could tell, so I looked inside his brain
And I saw, it was a spiral
Mr. Mind, you got a spiral for a brain
I know it
I saw it through the clear bottom of my fishing boat


10. Doo Doo Doo 2/27

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo
I got some doo in my pants again
Doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo in my pants
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo
Doo in my pants
Doo, doo, doo
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo
Doo
Doo doo doo doo doo
Doo in my pants
Doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo
I got some doo all over you
Doo doo doo doo doo
Doo in my pants all over you
Doo doo doo doo doo


11. Hick with a Cast 1/2

It's fun to be a hick and wear my cast
It's fun to be a hick and wear my cast
I broke my tailbone on the barn
It's fun to be a hick with a cast
It's fun to be a hick with a cast
I went into the castroom and they told me I couldn't be a castlover
Just b'cause I'm a hick


12. My Name 2/27

My name's Snfrgrvrdztgbrtzrgrbtngtdsrtibu
And when people introduce me, I gotta say,
"Hi, my name's Snfrgrvrdztgbrtzrgrbtngtdsrtibu"
I'm a popular guy
My name's Snfrgrvrdztgbrtzrgrbtngtdsrtibu
Ubditibu
Snfrgrvrdztgbrtzrgrbtngtdsrtibu
Some people call me Snfrg for short
Other people take it from the end and call me Dsrtibu
Other people take it from the middle and call me Brtzrgrbtngt
That's alright with me
I respond to lots of things
For instance, when people scratch their foot and say, "I'm itchy"
I find the word "itchy" in my name somewhere in my name and respond to it
But really they're just sayin' that their foot itches
That's always a little embarrassing
That happens with many words because my name is all-encompassing
Snfrgrvrdztgbrtzrgrbtngtdsrtibu
Snfrgrvrdztgbrtzrgrbtngtdsrtibu
That's my name
Every once in a while, I hear someone say, "I got online yesterday,"
And I always hear the word "online" inside my name, you know,
'Cause my name's all-encompassing, you know, and I think that they're talking about getting on me
That's embarrassing too
But that's just what happens when you have a name like Snfrgrvrdztgbrtzrgrbtngtdsrtibu
What can I say
There's not much that you can say that isn't implied, or directly related, or contained within my name,
Snfrgrvrdztgbrtzrgrbtngtdsrtibu


13. Warren G. Harding 3/7

Trying to think of a President that that sound belongs to
Warren G. Harding, most worthless President ever
Teapot Dome conspiracy, you bad boy, you
Use the Oval Office for the office purposes it meant for please
Warren G. Harding, worst President ever
You got your votes, you grey-haired male, because the women thought you were nice
And they had the brand-new eligibility to vote back then
Ohhh, let's vote for him!
I'll cast my first vote for Warren G. Harding!
He's a baaaabe!

But Warren G. Harding, worst President ever
Bad boy, you don't look good to me!
Warren G. Harding, worst President ever
Worst President ever
Crawl into your Teapot Dome scandal, Warren
Go away, Warren G. Harding
But he's so cute!
I think I'll vote him in for another term!

No, Warren G. Harding, you're not running again
One term's enough for your Teapot head
Awww...


14. When I Breathe 12/19

No one cares about my boogers!
When I breathe in and out, I can feel it moving in an inane way
A big green booger up my right nostril!
When I breathe in and out, I can move it around in an inane way
Makes me wanna chop my head off and run around, screaming, screaming:
Got a big green booger up my nose!
Big green booger
Got a big green booger up my nose!
Big green booger
When I breathe in and out, I can feel it moving in an inane way
Big green booger
Got a big green booger up my right nostril
Nobody cares about my big green booger!


15. Bus is Broken Down 3/7

The bus is broken down at the side of the road
The bus is broken down at the side of the road
Aaahhh!!
The bus driver's cryin'
The kids are a-whinin'
'Cause the bus is broken down
At the side of the road
The bus is broken down
The bus is broken down

The bus is broken down at the side of the road
The bus is broken down
The bus is broken down

The bus is broken down at the side of the road


16. Corn 1/26

Jus' another hick song and this one's about the corn
There aint too many thangs that rhyme with corn
One time my overalls they got torn
Before I was a young boy, I was born
My mammy and pappy they have a field filled with corn
And I sow the field and I collect the yields o' corn
I tilled the rocks from the earth
Got 'em outta the soil an' I saw
Put the rocks in my bib overalls
And in that field o' corn, my overalls got torn
I shouldnta been keeping rocks in my bib overalls
They was mighty sharp
Another hick song about the corn
Another hick song about corn
What can I say, there aint too much that rhymes with corn
Before I was young, I was born
Hey, yeah! Now let's sing about wheat
We gotta sing about wheat

Oh corn
No no, we gotta sing about wheat
Fields of wheat a-wavin', purple majesty

Corn, corn, there aint much that rhymes with corn
Aint much that rhymes with corn


17. Broadcasting Man 2/2

I'm a broadcasting man
I got my cardboard box
I'm a broadcasting man
I've got two spoons and a fork
I'm a broadcaster
I'm a broadcaster
You might get my frequency


18. Spooky Safeway 3/14

The spooky man
The spooky man
The spooky man works at Safeway
He pretends to bag groceries
The spooky man
The spooky man
He pretends to bag groceries but you know what he's really doing
He keeps his corpses in the paper bags
One time I got a cabbage head that I wasn't planning on getting
It just appeared in the bag—that he bagged!
I didn't want a cabbage
He must've mistaken it for one of his heads that had to get rid of as evidence, yeah
I don't like red cabbage
The spooky man works at Safeway
He puts cabbage in bags
I didn't want cabbage
But the spooky man, he's got bodies, he's got corpses that he must get rid of
I'm a sure a head of cabbage isn't dissimilar from a newborn baby skull
The spooky man works at Safeway
He pretends to bag... garbage...??


19. Mouse Puberty 1/26

Since we're still recording, I'm gonna sing a happy song
Since we're still recording, I'm gonna sing a happy song
Gonna wiggle my mouth, gonna wiggle my tail, gonna
Become a mouse and eat some cheese tonight!
Cheese tonight
I feel like cheese tonight
Reggae mouse, I'm the Reggae mouse
I just don't have the accent or the tail or the fur or the proportions
Or the ears or the whiskers
Do mice have whiskers? I never had them!
Maybe I'm just not at the stage where I hit that mouse puberty
And I grow my whiskers and my tail and my ears and I eat a lot of cheese
And I wiggle outta the mousetraps and I drive your cats insane
Yeah, that's it
I just haven't hit mouse puberty yet
Mouse puberty is what I'm waiting for
You might laugh but someday I'll be a big strong mouse
You might even call me a rat
I'll be big, I'll make the women get on tables and scream
'Cause that's what mice are for
Nothing quite like having a mouse in the house
I'm just waiting for my mouse puberty
I don't know how much longer I can stand it
I wanna make the women and children scream, get on top of the furniture
Gonna eat some cheese, gotta squeak squeak squeak
Just waiting for the mouse puberty to start setting in
I don't know the signs because I was adopted by some barracudas
Whatever those are,
I call 'em Mom and Dad
I think I'm a mouse though
Hell, yeah
Just waiting for mouse puberty to start setting in
And here comes the tail the fur the ears the, uh, possible whiskers and cheese-loving ways
I love it, I wish I could be a mouse
I'm gonna be a mouse someday
I don't know why you're laughing, man
I'm gonna be a mouse
I can be a mouse, a prepubescent mouse right now
It's alright
This song should end right away!


20. William Howard Taft 3/7

William Howard Taft, you're our favorite President
When you were in office, cows would mow the lawn
The White House lawn was shorn and neat in the 20's
William Howard Taft, they owe it all to you
William, I always dreamt of stealing you away from your evil wife Nellie
Who cares if she brought the cherry trees to Washington, D.C.
William Howard Taft, I love you so
William Howard Taft, I don't care if you were fat
William Howard Taft, they needed a really big horse to carry your weight
William Howard Taft, they had to put a new bathtub in the White House for you
William Howard Taft, more, all the more to love, William
William Howard Taft, my favorite President
William, I'm taking you away from Nellie this week
Even though you're already dead in your grave
The cherry blossoms will bloom in Washington this month
William, I love you even though you're kind of fat
William, I love you in your yards of fat
William Howard Taft...
William Howard Taft...


21. Bedroom/Barn of Barf 1/26

We're coming at you from the bedroom of... BARF
"The Bedroom of Barf!" That song's coming up
Maybe it's riiiiiiiight now
Well Bossy the cow she hadda too much beer
I knew she was out drinkin' with the steer
And now we all live in the barn filled with barf
Cows shouldn't drink none
You know they shouldn't, no
'Cause when they get a-drinkin'
They make the pigs jealous
And me too
I work hard, my name's Henry, I'm a farmhand, I work here on the ranch here
Every time those cows go out drinking
When the cows come home, as they say in the cities
They say, "the cows come home"
Well that goes back to an old, uh, adage here on the farm
'Bout when the cows get drunk and come home
And they're—we gotta, we gotta deal with 'em, we gotta,
We gotta barn
We gotta barn
We gotta barn full of barf
Gotta barn full of cow barf
You always know when Bossy the cow's been out drinkin' with the steer
Drinkin' that bad Bud beer
Lazy cow with a big belly
Aint filled with milk
It's filled with beer
We gotta barn full of beer barf
Barn full of barf from the beer
We gotta barn full of barf from them cows
Go out drinkin' every night then they come home
Bossy, come home
Bossy, come home
Bring me a six-pack
Well, that sure wasn't "Bedroom of Barf"


22. Overly SentiMENTAL 3/7

Another overly sentimentalmental song for a mental patient just like you
Another overly sentimentalmentalmentalsentimental song for a mental case just like you
Crazy people need someone to love
And I love you too, Mr. Mental Case
Take me to your padded cell, your little love nest with padded walls
An overly sentimentalmentalmental song for a mental case like you
Crazy people need someone to love
And I love you, you nutcase
Take me to your little den of padded love
Promise me that you won't commit suicide again this week
It's an overly sentimentlmentalmental song, for a crazy guy like you
Crazy for me
I love you
I like you a lot
I love you, you crazy mental case from the psych ward
I think you're really nice
Wanna get some rodents?

You're a sweet kinda guy for an overly sentimentalmental song like this
Hear ya later


23. Gonna Sneeze on You 1/26

Gonna sneeze on you, if you don't mind
Gonna sneeze on you, baby
Gonna sneeze on you
You're gonna want a handkerchief...
Or at least a moist towelette
'Cause you're... gonna be WET!
I'll sneeze on ya, baby
I hope you like the color green
When I sneeze, you'll never be clean again
I'll sneeze on you, baby
Don't think that the moment's gone by
Don't think it's over, baby
I'll sneeze on ya
Don't think the moment's passed
Just because I have my finger under my nose
I'm gonna sneeze on ya,
And you're gonna feel real gross
I'll sneeze on ya
Hope you like the color green
I see you always walking around
You're always wearing pink and purple
You'll know what I mean once I sneeze on ya


24. Me & Arnold Schwarzenegger 3/7

Me and Arnold Schwarzenegger
Me and Arnold Schwarzenegger
I was his right-hand man
Me and Arnold Schwarzenegger
Sometimes he let me carry the big gun
Me and Arnold Schwarzenegger
When he got shot in the butt,
He let me carry the big gun
Me and Arny, we go way back
Me and Arnold Schwarzenegger
Sometimes he lets me carry him
On my back piggyback style
Arnold's a fun kinda guy
When we were five
I played in his sandbox in Austria
We made a castle and we raided it with big guns
Me and Arny go way back
He rides on my back
Sometimes he lets me carry the big guns
In his $50-million movies
I love Arnold Schwarzenegger!


25. Drippin' Droppin' Pee 11/28

Drippin' droppin' pee
Into the toilet bowl
Sounds a little like this
Every time you take a...
That's right
Drippin' droppin' pee
In the toilet bowl
Drippin' droppin' bowl
This is how it sounds


26. Malaysia 1/19

MY?
That would be Malaysia
Where all the cool people are to stay
All the cool people in the world
All the cool people are from Malaysia
All the cool people in this chatroom
All the cool people are from Malaysia
All the cool people
All the cool people


27. Jus Makun Funn/.22 3/7

Singin' about hay and eatin' hay
Hay between between my teeth and hay up my nose
This don't sound like a hick song
Sounds like a non-hick's jus makun funn
Break it on down
Hay in my nose and hay in my ear
And hay up my butt and
Someone must be makun funn o' hicks somewhere right now
Somebody's must be makun funn o' my cousin's brother's mom's—
I mean, someone's makun funn of me!
I have a .22
I'll take you down if you make funn of my hick friends!
I got a .22 and I live in Kentucky
Someone's makun funn of hicks somewhere on Earth right at this very moment
It could be me
Naw...
Nahw! Not me!


28. Sunset Skirt 2/2

Beautiful sunset
Even strikes the old man in the heart
Beautiful sunset
Makes me wanna wear a skirt
Even though I'm 92
Doesn't matter what the wife might think
Or the kids 'cause they're all dead
I'm 92 and the sunset strikes this old man's heart right in the chest
And the, oh my, I wanna wear a skirt when I see a sunset
Like they have in the sky
Here in Arizona tonight
Everytime I see a sunset, I get a hankering for a skirt
It doesn't matter that I'm male or even that I'm 92
I'll be 93 in October
And you know what I want for a present?
Yes you do, it's a skirt
I want a skirt
I'm not from Scotland, but that's okay
I really want a skirt, not a kilt, mind you


29. Religion 12/19

Singin' about religion shouldn't be so hard
Singin' about my faith, my God, my Jesus
The Holy Immaculate Heart and then yeah-yeah-yeah
So someone was crucified long ago
That's too bad
When the Virgin Mary died,
I can't say that you cried about it
But singin' about religion shouldn't be so hard
Jesus Christ rhymes with lots of things:
Jesus rhymes with Beezus!
Jesus rhymes with Sleazus!
When two people sneeze,
They can look at each other and say, "Boy, we sneezus"
Singin' about religion shouldn't be so hard
Jesus rhymes with lots of things that you can think of too!
Jesus rhymes with Cheez-its!
Jesus rhymes with Deesus!
Jesus rhymes with... Teesus!
Singin' about religion is not hard
Just think of all the great rhymes that Jesus has
Soon you too can be singing about religion
Just like all those Christian rock bands out there
With your new-found knowledge of the things that rhyme with Jesus
Jesus rhymes with Peesus!
Jesus rhymes with Pleesus!


30. Ball 2/22

Hey, it's one o'clock in the morning
It's time to end this show
We're gonna go and eat some poop and pee
Don't let my mommy know
So we're gonna conclude pltoktijtuhtygt
And we're gonna hafta say goodnight
We're gonna introduce...
All the young people who are after us, yup
Just whenever they're ready
Until then, we'll sta-a-all
But I want some poop and pee
Rolled up into a nice tasty ball
Poop and pee in a tasty ball
I can roll it right into my mouth
I can bounce it right into my lower intestine and smile
Yes, friends, this is how pltoktijtuhtygt always ends:
With a nice song about poop and pee